• If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.
  • Hard work pays off in the future. Laziness pays off now
  • A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.
  • Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks
  • Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.
  • For every action, there is an equal and opposite criticism.
  • Never do card tricks for the group you play poker with.


  • No one is listening until you make a mistake.


  • The severity of the itch is proportional to the reach.


  • You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.


  • A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.


  • To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.


  • The colder the X-ray table, the more of your body is required on it.
  • The hardness of the butter is proportional to the softness of the bread.


  • Money can't buy love.But it CAN rent a very close imitation.


  • If you must choose between two evils, pick the one you've never tried before.
  • A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.
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