Joke #1
Why did the computer show up at work late?
It had a hard drive.
The Ultimate 90s/2000s Joke Archive - No clicks, just jokes.
Why did the computer show up at work late?
It had a hard drive.
Why don't scientists trust atoms?
Because they make up everything!
What do you call a fake noodle?
An impasta.
Why did the scarecrow win an award?
Because he was outstanding in his field!
Why don't skeletons fight each other?
They don't have the guts.
What do you call cheese that isn't yours?
Nacho cheese.
Why did the bicycle fall over?
Because it was two-tired!
What do you call a bear with no teeth?
A gummy bear.
Why did the math book look sad?
Because it had too many problems.
What do you call a pony with a cough?
A little horse.
Why did the frog take the bus to work today?
His car got toad away.
What do you get when you cross a snowman and a vampire?
Frostbite.
Why do seagulls fly over the ocean?
Because if they flew over the bay, we'd call them bagels.
What do you call a laughing motorcycle?
A Yamahahaha.
Why did the stadium get hot after the game?
All of the fans left.
What did the left eye say to the right eye?
Between you and me, something smells.
Why are elevator jokes so classic and good?
They work on so many levels.
What did the janitor say when he jumped out of the closet?
Supplies!
Why do bees have sticky hair?
Because they use a honeycomb.
What do you call a boomerang that won't come back?
A stick.
Why did the golfer bring two pairs of pants?
In case he got a hole in one.
What do you call a dog that does magic tricks?
A labracadabrador.
Why couldn't the leopard play hide and seek?
Because he was always spotted.
What do you call a dinosaur that is sleeping?
A dino-snore.
Why did the picture go to jail?
Because it was framed.
How many programmers does it take to change a lightbulb?
None. That's a hardware problem.
How many actors does it take to change a lightbulb?
Only one. They don't like sharing the spotlight.
How many drummers does it take to change a lightbulb?
Five. One to change it, and four to talk about how Neil Peart would have done it.
How many telemarketers does it take to change a lightbulb?
Only one, but they have to do it while you're eating dinner.
How many web designers does it take to change a lightbulb?
Does it have to be a lightbulb? I had this cool idea for a glowing cube...
Knock, knock. Who's there? Cows go.
Cows go who? No, cows go moo!
Knock, knock. Who's there? Atch.
Atch who? Bless you!
Knock, knock. Who's there? Interrupting cow.
Interrupting cow wh- MOOOOOO!
Knock, knock. Who's there? Yodel eh hee.
Yodel eh hee who? I didn't know you could yodel!
Knock, knock. Who's there? Water.
Water who? Water you doing reading these jokes?
What is an astronaut's favorite key on the keyboard?
The space bar.
Where do computers go to dance?
The disc-o.
What do you call a computer floating in the ocean?
A Dell rolling in the deep.
Why did the PowerPoint presentation cross the road?
To get to the other slide.
Why was the cell phone wearing glasses?
It lost its contacts.
What do you get when you cross a sheep and a kangaroo?
A woolly jumper.
What do you get when you cross a fish and an elephant?
Swimming trunks.
What do you get when you cross a centipede with a parrot?
A walkie talkie.
What do you get when you cross a turtle and a porcupine?
A slowpoke.
What do you get when you cross a snake and a pie?
A python.
What kind of music do mummies listen to?
Wrap music.
Why are ghosts bad liars?
Because you can see right through them.
What do you call a factory that makes okay products?
A satisfactory.
Why did the invisible man turn down the job offer?
He couldn't see himself doing it.
What did one wall say to the other?
I'll meet you at the corner.
How does a penguin build its house?
Igloos it together.
What do you call a sleeping dinosaur?
A dino-snore!
Why did the coffee file a police report?
It got mugged.
What do you call a pile of cats?
A meow-ntain.
Why did the tomato turn red?
Because it saw the salad dressing!
What do you call a cow with no legs?
Ground beef.
What do you call a cow with two legs?
Lean beef.
What do you call a pig that does karate?
A pork chop.
Why do cows wear bells?
Because their horns don't work.
What do you get from a pampered cow?
Spoiled milk.
Did you hear about the mathematician who's afraid of negative numbers?
He'll stop at nothing to avoid them.
I have a fear of speed bumps.
I'm slowly getting over it.
Have you heard the rumor about butter?
Never mind, I shouldn't spread it.
Why don't eggs tell jokes?
They'd crack each other up.
What did the ocean say to the shore?
Nothing, it just waved.
What is the smartest insect?
A spelling bee!
How do you organize a space party?
You planet!
Why did the man put his money in the freezer?
He wanted cold hard cash!
Why don't ants get sick?
Because they have little anty-bodies.
What is a computer's favorite snack?
Microchips!
The Talking Dog
A guy sees a sign in front of a house: "Talking Dog for Sale." He rings the bell and the owner tells him the dog is in the backyard. The guy goes into the backyard and sees a Labrador retriever sitting there.
"You talk?" he asks.
"Yep," the Lab replies.
"So, what's your story?"
The dog looks up and says, "Well, I discovered my gift when I was young and I wanted to help the government, so I told the CIA about my gift, and in no time they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping. I was one of their most valuable spies eight years running."
The guy is blown away. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the dog.
"Ten dollars," the owner says.
"Ten dollars? This dog is amazing. Why on earth are you selling him for ten dollars?"
"Because he's a liar. He didn't do any of that stuff."
The Engineer's Wife
A software engineer's wife tells him, "While you're at the store, get a carton of milk. If they have eggs, get a dozen."
He comes back with 12 cartons of milk.
His wife asks, "Why did you buy 12 cartons of milk?"
He replies, "They had eggs!"
Sherlock Holmes Camping
Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson decide to go on a camping trip. After dinner and a bottle of wine, they lay down for the night, and go to sleep.
Some hours later, Holmes awakes and nudges his faithful friend.
"Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see."
Watson replies, "I see millions of stars."
"What does that tell you?" asks Holmes.
Watson ponders for a minute.
"Astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, I observe that Saturn is in Leo. Horologically, I deduce that the time is approximately a quarter past three. Theologically, I can see that God is all-powerful and that we are small and insignificant. Meteorologically, I suspect that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. What does it tell you, Holmes?"
Holmes is silent for a moment, then speaks: "Watson, you idiot. Someone has stolen our tent."
The Magic Tractor
There was a magic tractor...
It went down the road and turned into a field.
The Three Fonts
Comic Sans, Times New Roman, and Arial walk into a bar.
The bartender looks up and yells, "Get out! We don't serve your type here!"
Why did the cookie go to the hospital?
Because he felt crummy.
Why was the math book always unhappy?
It always had too many problems.
What do you call an alligator in a vest?
An investigator.
How do you make a tissue dance?
You put a little boogie in it.
Why did the boy bring a ladder to school?
He wanted to go to high school.
What do you call a belt made of watches?
A waist of time.
Why don't oysters donate to charity?
Because they are shellfish.
What do you call a snowman with a six-pack?
An abdominal snowman.
Why did the melon jump into the lake?
It wanted to be a water-melon.
What do you call a lazy kangaroo?
A pouch potato.
What do you call a bear caught in the rain?
A drizzly bear.
Why did the pony get sent to his room?
He wouldn't stop horsing around.
Why did the golfer wear two pairs of pants?
In case he got a hole in one.
What do you call a can opener that doesn't work?
A can't opener!
What do you get if you cross an angry sheep and a moody cow?
An animal that's in a baaaaaaad moooooood.
What do you call a careful wolf?
Aware wolf.
What do you call a fish without eyes?
Fsh.
What do you call a bear with no ears?
B.
Why are skeletons so calm?
Because nothing gets under their skin.
How does the moon cut his hair?
Eclipse it.
Why did the orange stop rolling?
It ran out of juice.
What did the green grape say to the purple grape?
Breathe, idiot, breathe!
What do you call an illegally parked frog?
Toad.
Why do birds fly south in the winter?
Because it's too far to walk.
What did zero say to eight?
Nice belt!